Many of you who read my blog are also friends with me on Facebook and if you have hidden me from your time line I wouldn't be shocked or surprised. My status updates since Sunday have been a roller coaster of highs and lows and a couple of twists and turns.
The bottom line of it all is I am completely aggravated. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to miss Bootcamp. I don't want to stop running for awhile. I have a LOT of things I don't want right now. I don't want to be that girl that couldn't hang and sat out a whole camp. I don't want to lose any of my fitness level that I have actually fought very hard for since February.
Injuries happen, I understand that, but they aren't supposed to happen to me. (I am kidding here) I have a difficult time deciphering the difference between hurt and sore, I always have and I probably always will. I do HEAR my body I just don't know what it is saying per say. Not being able to make it down the stairs using one of your legs should be a good sign that something is off kilter and it isn't just soreness, but instead of being OK with having to stay off of it, my brain is saying you are a wimp and you should be tougher than this and you are lazy and you haven't changed one bit.
I also have a terrible habit of feeling like my actions are letting others down. I guess that is where the "team" part of Bootcamp comes into play with me. I have always felt like you should pull your own weight when it comes to a team and if I am home sitting on my butt how exactly am I helping my Bootcamp family. How am I being the best I can be for my coaches when I am not even there? How is not being a part of the day to day activities of my team and Bootcamp family helping and inspiring anyone? These are things that go through my mind repeatedly. I try to talk myself down from the ledge of disappointing people but it is just in my nature to worry about these things. It is not a trait I am fond of and a lot of the time I do throw the persona out there that I really don't give a crap what anyone thinks but the truth is I do when it comes to people who "out rank" me in life, people like my Daddy, my boss, or my coaches.
So what's the bottom line of this, I need to accept a few things:
- The fact that I am human and humans get hurt.
- Yes I did walk on a 13.1 mile run on Sunday.
- I showed up to run in a 13.1 mile run with an injury that was aggravated so bad I had major trouble getting in and out of the truck to even get there.
- My choice in running in the event on Sunday has probably put me out longer that I originally thought for.
- The event is behind me I can't change it and make it what I wanted it to be and no amount of bitching over it is going to change that.
- That I NEED to stay off of this thing and let it heal.
- I am currently petrified to be away from Bootcamp and that is part of what has sparked this roller coaster of emotions. I deal with fear as well as I do injury and disappointing people.. in other words I DON'T!
HOWEVER, I also need to accept these other facts:
- I ran 11 miles of that 13.1 without stopping.
- Even though I walked about a mile and a half at almost a 15 minute pace I still got a PR by a little over 6 minutes.
- No one is disappointed in my performance except me.
- At no point in the run Sunday was I ever out of breath or taxing my body except that one leg, so I know how much farther my fitness level is than it was in April.
- This isn't my last event there are many more in which I can show my true ability without injury.
- I am pretty damn tough, and not the wimp my brain wants me to think I am.
- My Bootcamp family is NOT going anywhere, they will be right there when I am able to come back.
- I am not going to lose my fitness level because there are other things I can do until I can get back to running and Bootcamp.
- And last but not least this is NOT the end of the road in this journey and simply a speed bump.
- Update I thought of this after I posted: Not only did I COMPLETE the 13.1 half marathon, the day before that I completed a 5k and was only 30 second off a PR on that run. I keep forgetting I did that.