My first thought was "Well @#$%#@$#% you." but what I actually said was "Then don't watch it." No one has to read my blog, you don't have to like my Operation 50 TLC page, heck you don't even have to be my friend on Facebook. Especially if you have gone to McDonald's every day since 1983 and still haven't gained an ounce. You have no idea what this is like for someone who has struggled all their life with self worth, body imaging and being over weight. Needless to say I also have a hard time verbalizing how I feel to people in general about my feelings and will often just agree or back out of the conversation.
In the last week I have been told two rather emotionally hurtful things in regards to my journey both from people I felt were my bigger supporters. To someone struggling so hard to find her groove in this eating right, working out life style, that has quite possibly been more defeating than performing badly. The last couple of camps I have watched my team pull farther and farther away from me, instead of the gap getting closer as it was. I know it is because of the leg issue but it is still hard to keep going. Between the physical pain and the emotional defeat, at one point I came close to destroying someones mail box last night. (no I am not kidding here I seriously had to stop myself from going all Chevy Chase on someones mailbox) So you can imagine how much of an impact hearing that I am obsessive had last night. I thought I would hear, you muddled through it, you didn't give up, that is what counts.
For your reference if you don't know what going Chevy Chase is...
Having said that, if you don't want to follow my journey, don't. If you don't want to read what I eat, how I work out, what the scale is doing, don't. I use this blog and facebook to keep ME ACCOUNTABLE not for your pleasure of ripping me apart or kicking me farther back, or even for your attention. While I do like the encouraging words, and the support that is not why I am sharing any of it. Also it has to be said that not all things I say or questions I ask are directly relative to how I feel. Yesterday I asked if the skinny people feel like giving up sometimes too, I wasn't feeling that way it was just a curious thought that popped in my head.
Now that I am done venting about how I feel at the moment. Last nights bootcamp recap.
We had the distinct pleasure of having The General Matt Costa lead the way last night and we started with running.. and ran and ran and ran.. and because I was so slow I didn't get to do any of the in between things. This was when I was having thoughts of going all Chevy Chase and I caught back up to Todd waiting on me. When he asked how I was, I am not going to lie, my voice caught and cracked because I was fighting back tears and my response was not lady like, and in those moments he asked if maybe it would be best if I just stopped for the night. I am hard headed and stubborn and have heard Matt threaten to cut my foot off before so my response was just "no". We finally made our way over to the beach and Matt asked what was wrong, in those situations with everyone looking at me for an answer the only thing I can get out is "the leg thing .. it's nothing". Being on the beach gave my legs time to calm down, bet I will never say that in bootcamp again. Matt showed us all some general self defense moves and I was incredibly delighted that I remembered every move and was able to help my partner with details of the how's and why's. Granted some of the moves I would not do to her, I think she weighs 89 lbs soaking wet and I was incredibly afraid to hurt her. Not that she isn't tough, she is, I just have double the poundage. I won't even go into detail regarding the incredibly embarrassing part of the night. Let's just say that some positions in learning how to get out of holds should not be done in mixed company. Either way through giggles I got it done and I think I managed to get the move down, who knows.
Next up my favorite part of the night! Matt had us all go down closer to the water and marked off the finish line up at the ridge in the dune. This was when having the tiny partner came in handy, well for me anyway, unfortunately for my partner I drug her half way up the dune like a rag doll. Oppsie. We got to laughing so hard about it I told her just to ride me like a horse the rest of the way. (see we do have a good time) Feeling much better at this point I ASKED Todd to pair with me and let me drag him up the beach. He obliged and at first I turned around and started up the beach and I was thinking to myself wow.. this isn't that hard at all. I never should have thought that, because I think Todd thought it was too easy for me as well and the next thing I know, I am not breathing as well as I was, as his locked hands squeezed harder on my ribs, and I wasn't going near as fast as I think he planted both feet firmly in the sand. I didn't give up and kept on fighting to get to the dune line. A couple of times I lost my left knee and had to fight to get use of it back (yes I know that is hard to understand but I don't know how to explain it other than he locked my leg back behind his so I couldn't move forward). I was finally with in two feet of the end and still going, then I was within spitting distance of the line, fighting for each inch of sand between where I was and the line when all of a sudden.. BLOOFFFF (that is the sound I made as both of my feet were yanked out from under me and I hit the sand) and back down towards the water I went. Up on my feet and there stands Adam laughing.. NO FAIR! For all I know Todd wasn't trying all that hard to keep me from getting to the top, but for me I felt like I was fighting with everything I had to get to the finish and rather proud that I said, hey I want to try this again after the first run was a giggle fest.
It was time to head back to the gym and unfortunately I cut the last corner too close and shoved Cory in a hole. I still feel badly about it even if he has said it isn't my fault, I have also advised him to just shove me the other way if I ever do something like that again. I would like to point out that after my legs calmed down from being at the beach and giving them a bit of a rest that Cory and I ran the end of it in together and I wasn't a half a mile behind everyone. The trick is when it starts to lock up, to walk for a bit until it eases off then I can go again, last night I never stopped long enough to let it ease off and kept getting farther and farther behind. I believe the answer is to take the few minutes let it ease off then catch up, we shall see. Once we made it back to the gym, we went to the field and performed ab work. Legs at 6 inches is probably one of the most dreaded words for me, and nothing like hearing, they are all waiting on you to get your legs up and keep them there. Some how I managed to do it, and hold them there for 30 seconds. There were probably also reports made to the local police department that someone was being stabbed to death behind Trio. Sorry team for the verbal abuse your ears had to go through but we would still be out there if I hadn't, so there's that.
I ran (ok I didn't run I got in my car and drove) right to church after boot camp and quickly made my way to my seat covered in sand from head to toe and heard words from Preacher Lady Betsy that my heart and soul needed. And for a wrap up and highlight of the night, I heard the biggest compliment I have every heard in my life! "Oh My Gosh! I LOVE YOUR HAIR! I am going as you for Halloween" how can you just not love little girls like that! Sisters who have decided which of the Sispers they are and why.
Hope you all have a wonderful day.