My Sunny Disposition
"I have learned that the greater part of
our misery or unhappiness is
determined not by our circumstance
but by our disposition."
- Martha Washington
Do I realize at this moment that half of my readers are my family and are are dying laughing at the thought I may have a "sunny disposition"?? Yes. Do I think it is funny they are laughing at me? Sure why not? Being a "Sunny" kinda person has never been my strong suit. I have always maintained a "screw the world" attitude (Sorry Aunt Ann but you know it is true) about pretty much everything in my life. I was also an amazingly unhappy person with no true direction, goals, or path in life.
I tried a little bit of everything to fit in, marriage, friendships, jobs, being part of the family, divorce, changing jobs, not being part of the family, drinking, not drinking, partying, staying home... you get the picture. The problem was nothing quite clicked and for years I blamed everything but the truth. The truth happens to be that if your attitude sucks everything you do is going to suck, and while you may have tiny successes they won't matter near as much or have much of an impact on your life as whole.
For me part of the attitude came from never being able to measure up to other peoples expectations of me and what they thought I should be. It is a very fine line between trying to be yourself and hating yourself for not being what others want, a very fine line indeed, and wavering on that line for extended periods can in fact cause a "screw the world" attitude instead of a "sunny disposition". I was 40 before I finally jumped completely off that line and decided that trying to be something I wasn't or could never be would never lead to any kind of happiness.
So you can imagine my surprise when I just decided to be me and be happy with me and who I was, how much nearly everything in my life changed. I live in a wonderful place, have some of the most amazing friends, family members who are actually PROUD of me, I have been called an inspiration, the list goes on. All of these things were sparked by my desire to change my own disposition and my own thoughts. Sure there are times I slip backwards and I am a grump or get a little more down about things than I should, but this is just another part of my journey.