Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...


My heart talks to me in a Dory voice, my brain doesn't.. my brain sounds more like Nemo's dad Marlin. My brain is always grumbling and telling me I can't or I will never be good enough or it hurts way too bad or I am fat or .. there are so many OR's that it is not even funny.  Very much like Marlin in the movie, everything was always gloom and doom.

My heart says just keep swimming, swimming, swimming or running, running, running or BREATHING BREATHING BREATHING. Whatever the occasion calls for. (recently at bootcamp it has required all of those and then some). My heart wants so badly to be more than I am, to not be the one in the back, to not be the one the rest of the team is constantly waiting on in push up position, to not be the one who's foot feels like glass just split the bottom of it open again and tries to get off of the shells... cont.

Side Bar on Foot:  it hasn't split open just truly felt that way, the only way I can describe what my foot feels like is in relation to a cavity, you know the one, the one that doesn't hurt then you eat some ice cream forgetting about it and next thing you know you are on your knees in tears.. yup that is my foot.

... my heart wants me to not be the biggest girl on my team, (yes I realized that I am today who doesn't realize that before now???), to not be the weakest link. So all of this begs to question, why am I still all of those things I do not want to be. I could blame it on being new to this, I could blame it on half a dozen things that I normally blame it on while out there in the sand, the truth is I don't think I am trying hard enough. When I am doing it and out there I THINK I am doing the best I can and complain and worry and cuss my way through the morning but when I get home and I sit down to work my first thought to myself recently has been "why didn't you try harder?" Maybe I need to try doing it all with a smile, and a pleasantry but come on when both of your calves feel like concrete do you feel like smiling???

Before I go any farther in this blog post, I want to say I am not writing a bit of this so you can tell me how great you think I have done and to stop being so hard on myself. I am not writing this as a complaint about what I am doing or as a complaint in regards to what my trainers and coaches ask of me every time I show up. I AM writing this because it is part of my journey and it is where I am right this minute and I NEED to be able to look back and see where I came from so that this journey I am on means more to me. I don't for the life of me think this journey would mean as much to me if it were all down hill, so while I LOVE what I am doing, I need to remember the not so great days, or weeks as it feels it has been right now, and I need to be open and honest with myself (and I guess now the websphere) in order to get PAST this speed bump. (oh the irony).

Today I made an effort to NOT be the last person on the rope and made attempts when I felt like falling behind on the rope to actually let go and move UP and not back. It worked, I never fell to the back on the rope today (with the exception of when I did let go trying to get out of the water I was yelled at and rightfully so.. I went back and grabbed the rope and still was not in the back so I guess that is something). Right now as I sit here typing this I can still hear The General yelling YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THE WEAKEST LINK. No Sir I don't WANT to be but right now I feel like I am, there is no doubt that this feeling is caused not by the fact that I tried to get out of the water today but more because of life itself and 40 years of not really being a link in anything at all.

Isn't it funny while it seems that I am focusing on one aspect of my life with bootcamp and kickboxing it turns out that I am just working on life as a whole? Maybe that is part of what 15.23.14.9.20. is .. owning the WHOLE THING. Not just the 75 minutes spent with the team, not just the 60 minutes spent at kickboxing, not just the Friday or Sunday runs, not just the 5ks, 10ks, 8ks HALF MARATHONS, or Tri's we sign up for but each and every moment in between as well. Making ourselves healthy physically and mentally.

So in closing today I will say maybe I didn't physically leave it all on the beach this morning, but I left all of me that I have right here in words, words to grow by. So until next time when I vow to try harder, stronger and better...

15.23.14.9.20.
Re

Comments

Jay Bowman said…
Oh the places you will go.
May 16, 2012 at 9:47 AM
Anonymous said…
I just can't believe you think this way. You have accomplished so much more than most people do or have ever done. Things don't happen overnight, and you will get there.. just be patient! You can work miracles, I know!
May 16, 2012 at 9:58 AM
fighting mermaid said…
From Julia Alvarez (one of my fav. authors):"It's like my whole world is coming undone, but when I write, my pencil is a needle and thread, and I'm stitching the scraps back together." I so feel like that sometimes when I really need top write it down (and the topics may be different, but methinks I am not alone).
You are COURAGEOUS... on so many levels!! XO, K.
May 16, 2012 at 10:13 AM
Cindy said…
Why do you not feel deserving of what you have already accomplished? Just making a commitment to do something is a mighty big step, especially when that commitment is so physical. You are a team,remember? Is the last person not as much of the team as the first? It's one step at a time, one day at a time. Don't be so hard on yourself..... you have already proven you can be the physical person you want to be and that is the hardest part. Now be the positive, self-accepting person that we can't understand why you are not already! You are a winner, you are important and Jesus loved you so much he died on the cross for you - - what else do you need to feel worthy?
May 16, 2012 at 10:27 AM
Lisa said…
Just don't swim towards the light and you will be fine! Just kidding! You know how I feel about your journey so I won't send fluff, just know that you are in the right place and on an amazing journey I know you can see what the future holds in your fitness path and you are succeeding.

As I was told by Mike today, "I always try to remember that it doesn't mater what your best is for the day the Lord will make up the rest".

That hit home with me! Keep moving forward and their will be a new person at the back of the line before you know it, someone has to be in the back and someone has to be in the front it's not where you are in the line-up that defines you.
May 16, 2012 at 11:34 AM
Christen said…
As Lisa said, it's not WHERE in the line that defines you. It's not even being part of the line. What helps to define you is that you showed up and you're giving it your all. Today, you felt like your all didn't measure up. That's when your teammates come in and fill in the gaps. That's why you're not doing thing on your own! Besides, think of all the people who are right with you in spirit. I love you so much, and will always be right there with you.
May 16, 2012 at 12:29 PM
Anonymous said…
just take care of the FOOT so you can keep going and growing in the BC family.....yeah one of us has to be in the back but you are part of the family....and since I am the only Black Sheep in the family....you get the rear!.....;).....just keep coming back and then one day you can be me!...hahahahahahahaa......
May 16, 2012 at 12:37 PM
Anonymous said…
YOU motivate me!!! Thought of you this morning as I started a tough, humid run. Thanks for sharing your heart with us.
May 16, 2012 at 1:35 PM
Toni Parker said…
The only thing harder than the journey... Is starting over. Never give up. The things you are learning on this journey is what determines who you are becoming. And girl... You are quickly becoming Amazing!
May 16, 2012 at 2:29 PM
Unknown said…
That's what my comment was going to be! :)
May 16, 2012 at 2:59 PM
Anonymous said…
encouragement!
May 16, 2012 at 9:22 PM
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